Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, maybe you’ll hit a billionaire’s rocket ship

   I feel like Olympic sports should focus less on pointless sports like synchronized diving and more on essential skills like evading a bear in the pool

   There s another Covid strain brewing, it’s called the election strain. Make sure you chose the red candidates this November in order to stop this strain.

   If there are kids singing Christmas carols outside, is it rude to open the door and throw beer cans at them? Because I just did that.

   There was another kidnapping at a local a school today, luckily the kid woke up!

   It's taken 66 years for me to realize two things: Pizza and steak are overrated.

   Gotta grab your girls booty in public to let other guys know you bout that life.

   Money can't buy you happiness, but being poor can't buy you anything.

   I bought some new white speedos yesterday for summer and the automated voice screamed, "unexpected item in bagging area".

   A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire ~ the guy in front of me, apparently

   I don't hear any cicadas. I believe everyone is eating them all...

   Remember, if you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

   I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can just feel it.

   If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

   Actually, officer, I prefer to think that scotch smells like me.

   I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager.

   I wonder if clothes in china say made around the corner

   If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

   I once dated a girl in college with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.

   I don't want the vaccine but I'll get mad if it's given to others in need, because Jesus taught us that helping other people in need is stupid.