Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know there's definitely something wrong with me when I care more about someone getting a BJ in the Oval Office than violations of the constitution and abuse of office.

   I Love octopus. cooked right they are very tasty, Tried to cook one the other night and took me 5 hours. The sucker kept turning off the gas.

   When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry. Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

   You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

   Dear Narcissist, I wish I could find a way to love you as much as you love you.

   My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch, its called #LUNCH

   Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think about you I play with my weiner!

   “The cemetery is full of people who thought they could change themselves tomorrow.”

   I'm not sure what Rage Against the Machine is a raging at, but it is probably a printer.

   Bite me again – my bottom lip

   i could never be president. I'm overqualified.

   You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

   A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating potato chips.

   If you swear an oath to always use the same furniture polish, do you have to recite the Allegiance of Pledge?

   Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

   I'm all for minorities being able to vote, as long as they vote for Trump.

   Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

   Inquiring minds want to know: Is the pride flag still flying over the US Embassy in Kabul?

   High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi.

   I’ve heard you should do one thing that scares you each day so today I’m going to walk into my son’s room without holding my nose.