Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   okes about dyslexia are as easy as A, C, B.

   90% of all electrical vehicles are still on the road today. The other 10% made it all the way home.

   The U.S. uses a 60Hz electrical system. England uses a 50Hz electrical system. This is because the U.S. revolted in 1776.

   Step 1 in a relationahip is to make sure you strike fear in your girl heart. Threaten to hit her. Make her scared of you so she wont cheat

   I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole in my air guitar

   AOC should read Exodus 21: 22-25 in the Bible to show how wrong she really is.

   I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit.

   Failed Pickup Lines: “Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

   There's no "I" in "team", but there are two in "failed miserably".

   When God created marriage, man said "cool, steady poon" and God replied "right...the yoke's on you..."

   take Johnnie cochran to Florida with you & you could really do anything then.

   If I'm ever on life support and just being kept alive machines, please unplug me and plug me back in. Basically, reboot my body.

   Today is Friday, December 13th. I can't tell you how relieved I am that Christmas isn't on Friday the 13th this year.

   There's a fine line between crazy & free spirited and it's usually a prescription.

   If batman and catwoman had a kid it would be batcat or the less popular manwoman.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can bang his wife every weekend.

   I can’t walk on water, but I can stagger on alcohol.

   At the age of 101 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breast, we were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.

   I began to sweat and feel nauseous when I filled up my gas tank today. I must have the Car-Owner virus.

   How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?