Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone thought how they might want to die? I want to die during a routine liposuction...

   Brrrr it's cold in here....Need a fire PIT...Would you be my fire pit??....I got wood!!!

   ok, instead of ...... to indicate a pause, i'll just put "oh, look a squirrel"!

   F*ck daylight savings man! We're in the phase where there is no excuse for being late today.

   They say not to go grocery shopping when you are hungry. Not good to go pinteresting when you are hungry either.

   Love is that gun we all use to commit suicide.

   Valentines Day - nobody shares a dam chocolate in the entired year and now you have to shove a hole box in a day - hypocrecy made chocolate

   Valentines claims another victim as the blade runner shots gf - twice, just because he couldnt beat last years gift...personally I think he has no leg to stand on!!...

   Pistorius's lawyer has told , plead guilty as he has not got a leg to stand on . !!

   i broke 2 mirrors in the same day, so i'm going to assume it's good luck because two negatives make a positive, right?

   4 horrible facts: Today is not Friday. Tomorrow is not Friday. The day after Tomorrow is not Friday. Even the day after that is not Friday.

   Based on my calculations, DIRECTV is gonna be short $4,294,619.62 next year with all these loyalty gifts they're giving away!

   Only supporting the far-rights isn't uniting people. Just saying.

   Dog the Bounty Hunter says it's not him. Increases reward to a Million dollars.

   Episode I of Star Wars is the best of the entire franchise and Jar Jar Binks is probably the greatest character to come from all 6 films

   I loving this calling viruses by races. As long as you leave the whites out of it.

   You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

   “Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”

   I played baseball with a bunch of orphans yesterday. I won, because none of them knew where home was.

   My girlfriend has a gorgeous Duck butt, BUT every time I try and stick it in the wrong hole it screams AFLAC