Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just found a $20 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.

   this can't be the same brain I was using to read 450 page novels in 3 days during middle school

   I'm smart enough to know the oil prices are due to supply and demand and the pipeline was to carry sludge from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico and had nothing to do with gas

   I felt a great disturbance in the Force within this group - as if a hemorrhoid outbreak of epic proportions suddenly stole the sense of humor from every soul in here, and the likes and laughs were suddenly silenced..... ~Obi-Wan

   One of the main differences between a nudist and streaker is speed.

   Our neighbor is an anti-vaxxer. They call her Mrs. Doubtpfizer.

   I was at a restaurant tonight & I saw the "caution wet floor" sign. I wonder how blind people know. those signs don't have braille

   Don't forget to wash your phone.

   My son said he washed his teeth all by himself and now I'm afraid to go in his bathroom...

   When you drive an old air-cooled Volkswagen a essential oil is dw40.

   Life's short don't throw, I mean scroll, it away!

   Some people say marijuana makes you dumb, but I smoke all the time and my IQ is 420.

   If 007 can sport a romper who are you to judge? Goldfinger & a Romper!

   I have one of the best memories of all time, but I can never remember what I did.

   I love you, #GreenShirtGuy. I'm cracking up with you.

   Clitoris. They even made a whole movie about it - Finding Nimo

   RACCOON: I'm being burglarized 911: can you describe him RACCOON: he's wearing a mask 911: maybe he's your RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

   Today January 68th or is it the 69th...

   Still haven't used a package of Willow brand toilet paper I scored as I just love the name Willow, thats like Wilson but softer, longer-lasting, more essential.

   My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.