Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1st of December and I already gained 3 pounds. Fml.

   i rang triple 0 the other day,,The bloke said"what,s the emergency"?I said "there,s two naked women in my loungeroom fighting over me"! He said"Whats wrong with that"? I said ,"THE FAT ONES WINNING!!!!!"

   Go up to random fat chicks and tell them that they didn't need to take Fat Tuesday literally.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job... What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   This is great! An extra hour of sunshine to melt all the snow.

   I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

   I won't be participating in the 2023-2024 Wuhan Flu Games!

   Let's go, Brandon!

   Some times you have to ask yourself. Is it worth the rug burn. . .

   All the smart people sold their soul for knowledge.

   Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

   Do deaf schizophrenics still hear voices in their heads?

   Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

   I'm wondering if Linus will spend all night in the pumpkin patch again this year.

   She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

   laughing at an old dude tryin to cross the street ,,,

   Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

   Ten should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy...

   They don't need to microchip you. You're literally holding a tracking device right now.

   I identify as Non-Bidenary.