Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My bank’s collections department is particularly aggressive. In retrospect, the name “Chase” may have been a red flag.

   Some day Rick Astley will die and no one will dare click on the headline.

   Thanks to the words "dude", "bro", and "man", I haven't said my best friends name in 10 years.

   Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?

   If you don't own a dog whistle then you can always use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.

   They're called "Heated Seats" because "Rear Defroster" was already taken.

   Marriage tip: If your wife is upset with you, simply tell her that you'll buy her some crayons if she wants to keep acting like a child. After hearing this, she will immediately reflect on her behavior and calm down.

   "Is this really necessary?" -My voicemail greeting

   Ego and Superego go into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry boys, I need to see some ID."

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me to "relax...it's only gas".

   "Well at least I don't have to wake up early any more." Is what I want my tombstone to say

   the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 350 years.

   A friend is typing..........A friend is typing.........A friend is typing..........A friend is typing..........A friend is typing.......A friend is typing.........A friend is typing........A friend is typing...........A friend is typing......... Hey!

   I find it hilarious how adults parrots these childish insults about other people. I guess they hate adulthood and want to be children again.

   If you think cow farts are making hurricanes stronger, you might be watching to much CNN.

   Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.

   Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?

   santa's overated.

   There are two genders: One goes to a gynecologist and the other goes to an urologist. All the others need a pyschologist.