Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heard there was a kidnapping at the school. Untill the teacher woke him up.

   According to Webster's dictionary, "Patriotism" is defined as loving a country. "Gay" is defined as one man loving another world leader who happens to be a man.

   Ladies, if you can't handle me when I'm broke, you don't deserve me when I get my monthly check of $600.

   I don't care about the shutdown affecting the parks and monuments. But I draw the line when it effect my beer.

   When you catch the Holy Ghost on the streets you are a crackhead

   Keep her wet between her thighs, To keep her dry beneath her eyes

   To this day I have always wondered why Curly never farted on Moes Face .....

   glad Alex Trebek's life isn't in *puts sunglasses on* jeopardy.. actually I really don't care.

   I don’t understand why they call that place Hooters. They ought to change their name to Hardees, because sometimes I have to wait twenty minutes before I can get up to pay the bill.

   ..... I turned my Back on the Back to the Future Day today. Where's my Hoverboard dammit?

   Does the "Baby On Board" sign help us decide which car not to hit ?

   Marriage tip #8: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

   When the economy is bad biscuit companies don't complain, they just remove one piece

   I just heard two lesbians arguing. One said "if you ain't cheating" let me smell your mouth...

   “I just called to say I love you.” -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

   you're so old; you were an eye witness to the birth of agriculture.

   fricking elf on the shelf robbed my house! Little bastard took everything! If you see him, call me!

   When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

   He died doing what he loved, sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.