Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got new deodorant yesterday... The instructions said remove top and push up bottom... My bum really hurts but everytime I fart the room smells awesome.

   I just got back from a cannibal Thanksgiving get together. ..... I filled up on redhead again, didn't have room for Blonde tart .

   911 is useless,they dont even care that I cant find my remote!

   Facebook reels are mostly chunky broads stuffed into clothes like a sausage.

   I just let a stinky one rip and my wife said, "Jeeziz, you just took me to Funkytown."

   ничего особенного

   I still don't know why Microsoft put a talking paper clip in Microsoft Office instead of a talking ink pen they could call your "pen pal"

   I hope the below pays tens of thousands of dollars on healthcare since he thinks he's a big man, paying full price for his healthcare.

   I hate to tell you "I told you so" but... no, actually I'm gonna tell you that till the day I die!

   @cpaman1981: Easter is on April 20th this year or as in the folks in Colorado and Washington call it, Sunday

   I never meant to pleasure myself in front of the cobras. The cobras were loving it.

   I told my wife that a cheating website had been hacked and marriages would be in ruins because of it. I just caught her deleting browser history from LittleDebbie.com.

   ever have a large lunch and go up a cup size?

   Im not staying we you getting old grandma, but you should stand in that same place too long with the lurking vultures up above!

   you deserve more than a guy who wears t-shirts with "witty" sayings that he bought from jcpenney.

   "Twilight is upon me......and so might must fall, that is the way of things. The way of the force." -Yoda

   Only few words can touch her heart like "Baby, I would suck the fart out of your car seat."

   I casually pull out my solid gold asthma inhaler with the word 'PIMP' engraved on it. I suck at it hard yet it is you who feel breathless.

   Need help drafting a weed smoking NFL fantasy team. That way they won't miss any games due to suspensions...

   The fact that we have to buy trash bags just to throw those same bags in the trash is why I'm angry today...