Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is disgusting that auto-flush toilets cannot tell the difference between a person who is peeing and a person who is crouching down to take a sip of water.

   Guys, when your wife starts a sentence with "when you get a chance", just go ahead and start putting your shoes on. She means now.

   I wonder what the part of my brain, that used to store telephone numbers, is doing nowadays.

   No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

   Happy Drill Sergeant Day, otherwise known as MARCH FORTH!

   My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

   If I ever die I want to be buried in my refrigerator in case I wake up and want pudding.

   Why bother drinking water? You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.

   My wife thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me someday.

   Where was that joke Al sharpton and his crews masks at? And who was they praying to? I'm positive it was the God everyone else believes in!

   This morning I spent at least half an hour trying to get wifes bra off... I will never try wearing that again.

   "I didn't say I was going to Taiwan. I said I was going to 'tie one on'." -Nancy Pelosi

   Maaaaay The 4th Be With You

   wishes Jimmy Football was more like Billy Mays-DEAD!

   Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and WILL be used against you... So use your right to remain silent!

   She has a body like baywatch but a face like crime watch.

   "Insult my wife one more time and I'll lick your other ball" - Ted Cruz

   *secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

   If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact. How I know this is unimportant.

   For $5 I will write "yikes" under one of your ex's selfies.