Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Suddenly a wild Beyonce appears... (•_•) <) )╯ all the single ladies ./ \. ( •_•) \( (> all the single ladies ./ \. (•_•) <) )╯ ./ \. oh oh oh

   says that when I asked my wife why she needed to buy so many shoes, she pointed out to me that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!..

   In the spirit of Mother's Day, the worst mother ever has to be Donsld Trump's mother.

   I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

   will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

   got a great deal on tampons... anybody want any they are a $1.00 a piece.. no "strings" attached..

   I wonder how much it cost to pay off Michigans referees

   *throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don’t think flipping the bird means what you think it means.

   The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.

   Now, all we need is Nancy to be home

   That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.

   I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

   Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

   I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

   I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

   Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

   There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

   Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

   Rudy: "Put up or shut up." That's good advice, that he needs to follow.

   Why is a person who came in second place in a race be the winner.