Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ♫So I'm shaving all my love.....Yeah I'm shaving all my lovin'...Yes I'm shaving all my love for you ♫

   Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

   "Knock knock", "who's there?", "Weekend", "Weekend who?", "We can wish it was the weekend, but its MOnday!"

   This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

   If two people love each other nothing is impossible. Except deciding where to eat.

   Top Tip: If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

   I hope you had a better Good Friday than Jesus did.

   T- ake you to a place where true R- esonance is all you can feel A-nd hear, while N-egating that stress that C- aptures you, me ...and E- veryone

   I had a blind date tonight. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.

   Dianne Feinstein has passed away. I think I'll have enchiladas for dinner.

   The main difference between St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo is that no one pretends to be Mexican on Cinco de Mayo.

   Just because you're trash doesn't mean you cant do great things...Its called a Garbage Can,Not a Garbage Cannot.

   Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

   When summer comes and California starts burning, try to act surprised.

   I'm almost 60. That's the age you start thinking to yourself: Is a reverse mortgage right for me?

   I love contactless delivery. They just throw the slop at your door and I run out like a little pig.

   what is the deal with this freaking ISIS? What the heck do they want? Why are they so barbarically slaughtering everyone. Could it be that they are begging for US to return? Could it be that the US is wanting to return? Could it be "hence" thy wre creatd?

   CVS Clerk: "Would you like a reciept?" Me: "Sure" *God uses two fingers to slowly close the eyes of an entire rain forest*

   In the year is 2024.. Justin Bieber's cover of Mambo #5 has topped the charts for the past 10 years and has been declared the National Anthem.

   Shouldn't "Ninja" be with a silent "N"?