Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   right now...there are 3 kinds -- people : 1. who want to kill Kristen 'coz she cheated Rob ,2. who don't know who the HELL she is and my personal favourite.......... 3. who don't give a DAMN if she did......

   My gym membership is just a fitted sheet.

   Me Monday ƪ(´~`")∫ Tuesday (-____-)"" Wednesday (⌣́_⌣̀) Thursday Ҩ( > ̯ < )Ҩ Friday (ˆ⌣ˆ)ง Saturday ~('▽'~) (~'▽')~ Sunday (˘ʃ_ƪ˘)

   Girl, are you a drug dealer?? I see a massive crack in you pants.

   It's always cracked me up how straight people just get so amused and excited about fireworks .....

   If you can't handle Batman at his Ben Affleck then you don't deserve him at his Christian Bale.

   After finally being bombed by the U.S., Apple & Mahmoud Ahmadinejad teamed up to release the all new I-RAN!!!

   Guys: You know that thing you do where you try to make us believe you have no feelings? How is that working out for YOU?

   seat belts are for people who have time to die, hell I don't even have time to sleep

   Probably the worst thing than getting a wedgie from a school bully, was having him pull you're pants down in front of a girl you like.

   Women's favorite dessert is the one with a hidden engagement ring inside it.

   my girlfriend told me she’s leaving me because of my Justin Beiber obsession, I responded “sorry, what do you mean?”

   "Yo fat man those new suspenders is TIGHT!"~ All my Knickers and my Britches

   Hey girl, are you Pepsi? Because you're always my second option.

   Gary Kubiak even fainted after that overturn...

   Guys: I like you Girls: What does that mean? Who else have you said that to? Put a baby in me. Women: Thanks

   Scientists discovered that an object does not really become smaller when the distance to the beholder increases.

   Civilian justice: just saw a beautiful female cop make an illegal lane change, so I pulled her over and threw her in my dungeon.

   While attempting to pick up broads in the supermarket it helps to pose as a pharmacist with a banana in your pants

   it still consensual if she agrees not to call the cops?