Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alarm clock alarms in the morning!!! Scolari's wife: Sir wake up it is 7. Scolari: Ohhhh, have they scored another one!!!!!

   "I don't know what youre talking about, he's nice to me" - somebody in the eraly 1940s Germany, talking about Hitler.

   Explain the rise and fall of the Roman empire. Use both sides of paper if necessary.

   Ladies, your football knowledge is about the same as my interior design knowledge. Give it up...

   Fellas, when she babbles on passionately about nothing, pay attention as closely as if she were stark naked, and soon, she just might be.

   Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.

   Drunk Cow Tipping: get drunk and Tipsy with a cow.

   If Macaulay culkin in home alone would've tried or said half the stuff to his parents in my house that movie would've never aired

   The forecast for Sunday's Super Bowl has improved in the last week. It's expected to be in the mid-30s with winds of only 6 miles an hour. That's a good temperature for New Jersey. It's above freezing but not so warm that you can smell the bodies in the s

   it's such a turn on when my bf can take my bra off with one hand..

   TV a silent weapon. It's the downfall ofsociety as we know it.

   she took off her sock & it looked like a pack of black & mild

   They Always Say...Stand & March For What You Believe In... I Do!!! Everytime I Believe I will Have another Beer, I Stand and March To The Fridge!

   Everytime a congressman gets up to clap, he thanks the lord for baby powder.

   You had me at "Hello".... and then lost me when you kept talking instead of dropping to your knees.

   Need a half hour f quiet time? Ask her fo a selfie.

   if Taylor Swift has sung Nasty Funk by Robbie Glover she'd have still managed to make it depressing

   If you're a woman that plans on visiting Halas Hall later this year, I suggest you use the stairs

   wondering if he can claim Johnny Walker as a dependent.

   Yea i've climbed mountains before [checking my reflection in a butter knife] mountains of babes