Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything I know about the Kardashians I learned against my will.

   who's the jerk that switched my toilet paper with sand paper??? I won't be able to sit down for a month!!!

   "I am the greatest. Not only do I knock em out, I pick the round!"

   Yes, "facebooking" IS an action verb. Along with googling, tweeting and farmvillin'.

   why is Santa so jolly? Cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.

   My car was on E I put $20 in it now it's on E+

   I’m pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be Are you going to eat that?

   If there is "like" button why can't facebook create "unlike" button if someone happens not to like your status.

   If a couple of rental property owners refuse to pay for maintenance, that's "the evil of two lessors."

   Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

   This quilt would get done a lot faster if the guy behind me would stop beeping his horn

   Elton John is to release a charity record for victims of the Kentucky tornado disaster! "Candles In The Wind"

   Apparently sticking gum in a girl's hair no longer counts as flirting.

   During filming of an episode of 'Happy Days' in 1976, The Fonz had a stroke causing him to say "Eyyyyyyyy" for 4 months straight.

   Relationship status: My hand told me it has a headache.

   The only thing that distinguishes us from dogs is their ability to learn from their mistakes

   The worlds greatest marionette is Putin. He has Trump as a puppet and I can’t even see the strings.

   Fun fact about me. I, too, was once a train wreck in Ohio.

   Han Solo gets killed by his son Kylo Ren.. You're welcome

   My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes