Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Your Only Fools and Horses addiction is ruining my life," shouted my wife, "I want you out of this house right now!""Ok," I replied, "I'll fetch the suitcase from the van."

   I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree.. <3

   I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar

   What did one Party fish say to the another party fish....."This Carnival is stinking up the sea"

   Oh so you wanna loose weight, by eating healthy........then why your healthy food weighs more than the cheap stuff?

   Poss reasons for weight gain 1) cows switched to fullfat grass 2) pizza's not a veg now 3) my hips are pregnant 4) eat too much*

   Lesson one: Only trust people who like big butts...They cannot lie!

   Now that Snoop Dogg has reinvented himself as Snoop Lion, I would like to congratulate him on his newest reggae hits. You look and sound great in the new Red Stripe commercials, Snoop!!! Hooray Beer!!

   Before Drake started saying YOLO, did ya'll suckas think you could live twice or something??

   I love to put a box of cheerios in the mouth of the loved one that snores everynight

   Who are we? ... men What do we want?... anything that's left over honey When do we want it? I'll take it myself honey.

   Don't you hate when you rush to the bathroom and the lady in the next stall won't share the TP?!?!?!

   may the 4ththe be with you, for tommorow is the revenge. of the 5yth

   Going to the stores and hiding nuggets of weed in nutcracker mouths is how I like to unleash social entropy during this time of year.

   Ever wake up to an alarm and hit the alarm clock and the sound doesn't shut off...so you keep smacking it and just before you throw it against the wall you realize that it is your phone? That was me yesterday...

   I'm Too Lazy, I Need Motivation!

   I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick some a$$. And looks like I'm all out of bubble gum.

   Them gas prices going down like White girls in a college town!

   A shooting star makes a wish when it sees me.

   Ya you and 103 other creepers like that photo too!!!