Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?” Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

   Got fired from my job today for being high at work and also for being, and I quote “Not a real gynaecologist”

   I don't drive a Corvette because I have a small p3nis. I drive a Corvette because I'm a bada$$. I'm sorry you aren't.

   My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

   Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple twice for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

   Not sure what kinda jokes get a laugh in here, but wow - haven't seen one with more likes than unlikes in months - tough crowd these days. I guess it's just a sign of the times....

   My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2021. I’m already at $8.32

   If you really believe racism isnt a massive problem, that the oppression of minorities is not a horrific and systemic issue. you R in denial.

   Trump is telling 59,000 Haitians, currently living legally in the United States, to self-deport. Whats even more mind boggling is you people see nothing wrong with that? Why is he on a mission to target blacks???

   I want my 72 hours of my life back that I wasted on Mike Lindell' ridiculous symposium.

   Daylight Saving Time arrives this Sunday morning. You Know what? I give it 8 months.

   Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

   Playing rugby with helmets is for sissies. Helmets are for bikers

   I wrote a book called "House to keep your house clean" Chapter 1: Log out of facebook. The End.

   WOW!!! I bought an umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. Now on the way to buy a pack of condoms !!!

   A-ah Mario, I have-a de large a-brain!

   From a purely ironical perspective,,, He's going to actually walk onto 5th Ave and shoot somebody before this actually ends,,, right?

   I've never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.

   Wonder if D was told the brain was an app, he start using it.

   the choice for presidential candidate boils down to one who is weak with e-mails and the other who is weak with females!