Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lebron Hairline Don't Respect Him

   first 5 seconds are about the pill. the following 25 are about what could go wrong?? is it me????

   Show me where it hurts and let me kiss it.

   today is National Kindness Day so say something nice y' JACKWAD!

   C'mon babe, just let me put the tip in once or five hundred and sixty seven times! There. Fixed it.

   if we'd had female candidates there'd be a big ol' cat fight right about now!!

   I just got the comment that I do not have any horses in the stable ... so I'll go and buy a pony now.

   I am so funny this flu virus in my body is taking its sweet time to leave.

   Sometimes I like to have a staring contest with my reflection in the mirror. It can go on for hours at a time but always ends in a draw. Well played reflection, well played.

   after watching final destination....if a lighter falls down , i'm like " OMG...NOW THE LIGHTER'S GONNA SET THE ENTIRE HOUSE ON FIRE 'CUZ THE GAS IS LEAKING SUMHOW AND ALL MY EXITS ARE LOCKED !!!!.."....

   Ladies; send brother requests to all the thirsty guys so they wont bother you ever again.

   Show me on this doll where the shower curtain touched you.

   thousands of guys want to go for a 1 way trip to Mars... I'm dreaming for a 1 way trip to Venus !

   Never ask a kid what an "encyclopedia" is or was, bc they'll just try and Google an STD.

   Finishing the Monday after vacation is like when Nick Wallenda's feet hit the ground after crossing the Grand Canyon on the Skywire

   even my 16 y/o thinks the 12-12-12 stuff is lame and she's all, like, YOLO...

   I love your personality!!! Especially when your not talking is my favorite!!! JW

   i am giving up giving up for Lent

   Ok so there are Google Goggles and Google Shoes... Wake me when they launch the Google Snuggie!

   still waiting for dane cook to makr a joke about tragedy