Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't spoil the Moment by getting busy in taking selfies for Facebook and instagram.

   in the words of our dear beloved and departed, Mother Theresa - “these hoes ain’t loyal”

   This vacation ain't nothing to write home about.

   Kanye West is being sued by a woman who claims to have given birth to his love child. Kanye took it all in stride, however, since he has a history of being in "arrears" with other women

   It's a little difficult to fully immerse yourself in a band called "I hate myself" when hmv is blasting pharrels "happy" over the sound system.

   that a 1TB flash drive in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

   Got my Soap & Shampoo and am patiently awaiting the meteor shower.

   Sometimes we fight because we have to , there is no other option. There is morally no other option There is a dignity in the struggle , which helps us understand our own identity.

   All Jack and no work, makes Jill a nymphomaniac.

   some guys are such sluts I wouldn't even poke them on Facebook.

   What if no does mean yes? Just think how many spoons of sugar i've saved.

   the fact that you know what's on the first page, makes you just as sad. Wipe you're eye's mate.

   I tell people my ass is tight because I work out when in actuality it's from all the squatting in the woods.

   If you have little kids and often hire a babysitter, don't plan on doing anything before you check the Justin Bieber concert schedule for your town.

   You know when you rearrange "Mother -In-Law" in any language you still get "Women Hitler!"......Got a PuertoRican-Haitian Hitler to deal with

   (rj) Condom packages should come with warning labels... "caution do not use with alcohol!! may cause feelings of disappointment and utter disgust the morning after"

   I'm not addicted to cigarettes. I can stop smoking any time……… I have no money.

   J - July, Jocks in ski masks, Jason, Jaywalkin chicks on cell phones at Camp Crystal Lakes

   The average person consumes 12 pubic hairs in their fast food every year. Want fries with that?

   i guess "Russell Brand's" upcoming movie will be called "forgetting katy perry"j.G