Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there is anything worse than seeing a beautiful woman with a dog picking up dog s*%t ,Its seeing a beautiful woman without a dog picking up dog s%|t

   The next time you get a call from a blocked or unknown number.....Answer it and whisper "It's done, but there's blood everywhere". Then hang up.

   Want to hear a joke? "Women's rights"

   I’d love to have a s*x change. Preferably from none to absolutely sh*tloads

   St. Patrick’s Day is coming. Last year, I drank an entire bottle of green beer. It turned out to be Scope.

   Apparently my cat didnt get that memo that dryers are not the place to crawl into...... hes dead now

   Calories? I think you mean delicious points!

   An obese orange man just called Putin a genius. If that doesn't seems unpatriotic to you, then nothing will.

   So cold don's toupee flew south for the winter

   yay! ive got mail! yay! do you got mail?! ive got mail! yay!

   Bought the knockoff brand of Frosted Flakes. Their mascot is Carl the Cat. "They're purretty good!"

   Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

   I came up with a new drinking game. Watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and every time Goofy says “Gorsh!” take a swig. I give it five minutes before you black out.

   million dollar idea: worm dehorser

   I pack underwear as if I plan to crap myself for 40 days and nights

   My wife asked me if I knew what her favorite flower was. Apparently Gold Medal was the wrong answer.

   Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

   Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

   Her: You don't make me cum. Me: You don't make me cum either. It's the sick, twisted thoughts in my head that make me cum. You're just the receptacle I shoot it into.

   A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.