Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. There, now isn't that better?

   Osha should be required to shut the Men's office bathrooms down the Monday and Tuesday after Easter

   He didn't notice it was flat cause they paid him off

   I'm having a make yourself at home party. Make yourself at home.. start cooking, cleaning and do my laundry. . .

   When at a club & a really huge guy smacks your girl’s ass, ask her before she asks you “are you just going to let that guy smack your ass?”

   Have any of you experienced a ringing in your ear that lasts maybe 20 or 30 seconds? Every time it happens to me I keep thinking I'm going to hear "This is Lex Luthor. Only one thing alive with less than four legs can hear this frequency Superman and that

   Today at Walmart, in the only two checkouts open I yelled "Omaha" and my friend and I tackled pass the fat people old people and kids right to the front of the line!

   The winter days I have to open the car doors with crowbar is the best.

   I bet anyone can stalk you if you keep on updating ur status.. Yes I'm talking to you.. Someday, some unknown guy's gonna greet you and said something like, "hey, how's your period goin'? ... Who, me? Oh I saw you on facebook a LOT. So just by a whim I pl

   Breaking News: Governor Scott Walker to announce Omar Suleiman as his vice-governor in Wisconsin.........

   It's just like American Idol... Vote early and vote often!!!

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning.

   Come on guys! I've had to deactivate facebook due to the pressure

   Between every cigarette that I smoke, I quit smoking.

   Good night all, time to give my blankets some a*s and my pillow some head! Sleep tight!

   Dang,,, I really respect an effective slow clap

   If Bobby Boucher's mama is right about football bein the devil then a lot of us are going to hell :P

   It's one hEll of a crime if you're ugly with a bad attitude at the same time!!

   I'm not mooing you.. I'm turning the other cheek

   My phone says it's nippy out. I don't know why it says that but it seems to be true...