Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people on this planet are why we don't have a Waffle House on the Moon!

   I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don’t know where to start

   Literally the day after the special investigation and this is found. Count your days Teabillies, back to the trailer parks you go.

   Snow and cold weather does NOT mean there is no Climate Change. How stupid can people be

   My milk crates bring all the boys to the yard, and they’re like “somebody call an ambulance!”.

   The New NHL teams name is The Seattle Kraken .... Their fans will be known as Krak heads

   Marriage tip: If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Walmart will be closed on Thanksgiving day so that the self checkers can be with their families

   I fully support the IDGAF+ community.

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it an internet girlfriend and not eBae?

   If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.

   Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for very infectious diseases

   My wife just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall, which is kind of like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.

   My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

   You seem like the kind of person who pickles things in their free time.

   Breaking News: Utah police are seeking the Gooch in connection with the death of Arnold Jackson. Anyone with information is asked to call Crime Stoppers at (800)-555-TIPS all calls are strictly confidential.

   in honor of Michael Jackson, I think I will start the day off with the famous "crazy feet" dance and end with grabbing my foster home sack!!

   Texas...where covid-19 has better reproduction rights than women.

   I will take two 20 year olds over a 40 year old any day!

   If you're cold, stand in the corner. It's usually 90 degrees