Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't stand my broom on the end, becuase my wife won't stop flyin around on it long enough

   This is how guccimane face look (8o>-_-)

   I have paid for this bottle of Vodka, I own that. I still haven't paid my rent for this month, I owe that.

   Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see.

   I'm trying Speed dating, but so far all these women are screaming at me to slow the bus down under 50 mph :(

   Starting tomorrow, every place I visit, I'm going to speak exclusively in double negatives. I'd do it today, but I'm not going nowhere.

   promise, as a very white guy, to never say "Salt 'N Peppa" out loud.

   and why, when I answered the phone, it was a guy on the other line??

   "Sex is a part of nature, I go along with nature." - Marilyn Monroe

   Turns out trolling LinkedIn for ladies to s3xt with was not such a good id

   Good, Better, Best...never let it rest until the good get better and the better turn into the best

   I'm not afraid to admit that I will put on on the first date ladies.

   Lock a vegetarian in a room full of Jack-O-Lanterns and then give them some bath salts.

   I'm just tryin' to stay ahead of my shadow.

   Just drank warm orange juice after I had brushed my teeth, and now reciting "Jabberwocky" in Spanish is my only means of communication.

   Eating a Lunchable should be classified as an extreme sport.

   I must have been extreme snoring last night. I woke up this morning and my uvula was on the ceiling.

   Why is it that is always your right nut that sticks to your right leg ?

   Anaconda Malt Liquor the only malt liquor approved by the american government and when you pop the top the panties drop

   Easter Eggs are themselves when I tell them Chuk Norrris says "Hi"!