Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dude, I don't care if it is a suitcase on wheels. If you have a bag, I'm gonna call it a "murse."

   Slut? Weeeeell, let's just say she's had more d1ck ends than weekends.

   Every time I see someone post, "Who wants to Facetime me?"...... I giggle a little bit.... Please tell me I'm not the only one.

   I think the USADA is on a power trip. They have now banned Lance Armstrong from eating French Toast.

   In the animal kingdom, males often have to fight for the right to mate. It's a case of 'brawls before hoes'.

   uncross you legs...you're bending my glasses

   RJ... oh you better believe I'm calling that store asking for the film back! I don't know who or what was in those pics but you caught my attention.

   this grassy knoll?

   I bet all the living descendants of the Lanisters have great credit!

   I just threw my clothes away and bought my garbage to the laundry mat

   My dad used to beat me with a camera and I have pictures to prove it.

   i call my wife the buldozer with a broken rearview mirror. she flattens everything in her path and doesn't see it. she used to be a fun-sponge now she is the fun sham-wow now capable of soaking up 4 times the fun

   It's a good thing it's not really like the bees, otherwise men would die shortly after sticking it in.

   People say when I dance, it looks like I'm looking for my keys.

   Like a Spider Monkey Hopped up on Mountain Dew !!!!!

   Remember Emo Phillips, not to be confused with emu..stringy long hair over fugly face? ueah, I think he started the whole look

   had a run in with a pit bull, once they get a hold they jus wont let go until you're just a quivering and screaming like a girl.....the dog was fine, it was the owner who ripped me to shreds defending the breed.

   It's funny how easily accidentally leaving just one vowel out of a status can make you sound like an Indian Chief from the movies. You know what mean?

   The driver in jet dryer #2 truck should be safe, Juan Pablo isn't in a car any more...

   cakes 66p Upside down cakes 99p