Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Songle ply toilet paper versus hairy ass. Twenty minutes of my life spent full of fail.

   "Who can I blame for my problems? Give me a minute, I'll find someone" - finger pointers and cowards alike

   It's national hot dog day! Time to come and get your weenie ladies.

   Late night 20 minute conversations with the McDonalds Drive thru guy about those who we aspire to love, the desolate restitution of our youth, and McNuggets. Because adulthood.

   Peyton Manning had to be a pot smoker, why else would someone buy a chain of pizza stores for. Of course, for free pizza when he is high . . .

   Dear Monday, Back Off, I will Cut You

   Bobby, that Facebook is the Devil! But mama, she showed me her status and I liked it too!

   Asked coworker what she was going tonight? She replied, drinking. I meant for Good Friday. She said dont worry, I'll pour one out for him.

   How psychiatrists can't be a serial killer when they describe them so well?!

   For the first time in NBA finals history, there was 3 game 7s. Even more fascinating is that Donald Sterling cant attend any of them!

   Sure, I'd get married. But has her on my fb? I’m not ready for that kind of commitment.

   The music biz status is a quote by Hunter S. Thompson, and of course here at 'tard central it gets panned.

   *stretches condom over foot* "Of course I know how to do the sex, but why don't you go ahead and tell me so that I know you know"

   Your SMS inbox is your shopping updates app now. Card transaction information Order confirmation Package tracking Delivery Information

   always a man drinking a Crush on a Monday.....never a man crush Monday

   JIMMY CARTER KIM: finally someone who President Carter is more embarrassed about being associated with than his goofy looking brother Billy.

   At the time of passion, stuupidity and anger or survival, when you just want to satisfy yourself, there is no religious man.

   an 18 years old girl is like a good carpenter; no wood get wasted.

   You know when you have a good mum when they let you lick the sticks to the mixer but you know you have a great mum when she turns the mixer off before you lick!!!!!

   Today I am thankful for Rand Paul taking the heat off my joke plagiarism skills