Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a niqqa slap me on Vine the rest of the fight will continue on YouTube

   if you have painful gas in your stomach, lay on your back and lift your left knee to your chest. You'll fart it right out.

   I finally figured out the answer to that old chicken and the egg

   Note to self: Feed lots of Mayo to the tuna first,,,,,,THEN butcher.

   I see this poor old lady slip over on some wet leafs today. Well I think she was poor, she only had £1.50p in her purse.

   Pro Tip: Men Here's my advice on women: Don't give them nicknames like jumbo or boxcar & always get receipts for stuff you bought. It makes you look like a smart business guy!

   The heavyset woman walked with pace, clutching her purse, seemingly unaware that she was invisible to society. Muggers included.

   2 words..... Fire Flies. you're welcome <3

   May the 4th of July be with you all......

   I hate it when every time I like someone's status, there is always this person named "You" that likes it at the exact same time on the exact same status.

   im not saying I did anythin wrong, but, this is omportant, can you get dna from human poo

   apparently there is a limit to how long you can wait to exhale ♥ rip whitney houston

   So I read the 1st page of Hunger Games... And fell asleep.

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but none in the stink.

   If little girls were given dolls that drank and wet because they had maternal instincts...how come us guys weren't given blow up dolls for our paternal instincts?

   I was absolutely shocked to hear that Kim Kardashian Is getting divorced. In other breaking news.....We landed on the Moon!!!

   Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg? If you want to know the answer, order both off the menu and see which one comes first.

   The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

   If aliens landed today they would think that our phones are mind control devices that -- hey I just got another text

   I just Love the gym this time of year. The new members make me look like an endurance freak