Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey would any of you would like to marry me for a minute? Better yet can all of you marry me? I wanna see if I can have multiple wifes on FB...

   When your hands are tied, backs against the wall & swept off your feet all at once it clearly means you're a hostage.

   Is there an Elf Yourself type eCard service for condolences?

   every time I hear that jolly fat guy with the red suit and reindeer belt out his familiar "Hoe Hoe Hoe"....I cannot help looking around for my ex girlfriend

   Vanessa Bryant files for divorce... I wonder if Kobe asked her if she would do his own version of the triangle offense?

   Decided this year I'm replacing the milk and cookies tradition with manly reach around. Just to see if that would get SANTA'S attention.

   So apparently when you get pulled over around Christmas and the cop asks "Do you know why I pulled you over sir" The incorrect answer is "You know how important of a person I am and you figured this would be the only chance you would get to wish me a Merr

   I failed.Again.Like any normal loser would.

   What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?

   why buy a 6-pack when you can buy a 12-pack, why buy a 12-pack when you can buy a 24-pack.... screw it, I'm gettin a handle of jack

   Why fat people like chips chocolate and fast food ..it makes them HAPPY..!!!

   If you didn't hear "I'm hungry" or "workout" then I didn't hear "premature ejaculation" or " get a job"

   heard there is a new youth football league being formed... It's gonna be called Sandusky League.... Some full contact but mostly two hand touch !!!!

   n't it weird to think that while you read this, Glenn Beck is somewhere crying right now?

   my friend saif "I don't give a sh*t about Christmas, Easter and New Years", but I do give a sh*t...So he is going to be very surprised by the type of Easter Egg I give him tomorrow. It's cheaper than chocolate anyway!

   This B1tch got "SNGL MOM" on her License Plates.. Basically she just gave up on Love all together!

   I advise you, don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.

   If that old woman who lived in a shoe lived in one of mine she would have slit her wrists and died shortly after moving in.

   I just threw a D battery through my neighbor's window because he played 2 Sublime songs in a row.

   Goku had died and been ressurrected so many times it would make a Hindu dizzy.