Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I want to linger in your mouth like an expensive liquor and sometimes I want you to slam me down like a cheap shot.

   Just seen a mature dating site the photo has a woman with her chest thrusting out in a "provocative" manner , that's ok but the large tattoo of a tigers head emblazoned on the left one left me wondering"Just sayin"

   That Mark Walberg must be a funny MF... He sure had Regis Philbin smiling up a storm on Antiques Roadshow tonight...

   I'm going to take you to a place you've never been before! Brewhahaha

   Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead, and then I remember I'm thinking about you.

   Surprise jumps on the back is for 160 lbs and under women only.....any thing over is a tackle

   Her: Why do you love me? Him: because you have sex with me. Her: You could have sex with other girls, too. Him: I can?? Sweet!! Her: That’s not what I meant. Him: OK…then, I love you.

   Some of the most anxious times in my life has been the time it takes a dropped knife to hit the floor instead of lopping off one my toes.

   why would you wan't to add me to your Birthday Calender, are you going to shower me with gifts? That's I thought so?

   A reverse cowgirl is an Indian right?

   the last two status belongs to a Dominican Beauty Amelia :)

   I'm kinda tired of you but in a possessive way.

   "I apologize for my vauge statuses on Facebook, they were actually about you. Let's handle this like mature human beings instead." - Nobody Ever

   Skirts are so short now, the days of mirrors on top of your shoes are gone forever

   Advice from Aunt Fanny: #173 Remember, it's bad luck to be superstitious.

   n't it weird when you see someone driving a car they have no business driving? Like when you see me driving away in your car?

   there an article somewhere online about how to tell your cell phone it only has a few days left to live?

   It's the end of the year, as you know you have to spend all your Flex Spending Account Funds or lose them. Here's a list of the procedures I am thinking of having done... Mustache Implanting, Sideburn Bedazzling, Sun-visor Implant, & Eyeball Swap.

   When someone posts this: "Last year was wonderful....this year has been pretty awesome too! Can't stop smiling...bring it on!" It actually means: "I didn't do j@ck $hit."

   Even though she never existed, Brent Musberger is hoorny for Manti Te'o dead girlfriend.