Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.

   I've been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea what the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button is for

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty.. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

   Which side of the plate does the phone go on?

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.

   Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.

   “Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

   Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

   Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.

   Great Black Friday deal!!! : Sleep..... $0

   Ever see one sneaker in the road? How does this happen? Does a jogger get home look down at their feet and say "Not again...lost another one"

   go search google for let it snow. very cool effect.

   My girlfriend has this sick sexual fetish of trying to cuddle with me after sex.

   I have some bad news and a Justin Bierber CD. Which one would you like to hear first ?

   How I view dogs: Beagle, German Shepherd, Poodle, Pitbull, Labrador. How I view cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat.

   My neighbor asked me to look something up on my "internet machine".

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.

   Yeah, I felt bad rejecting her friend request on Facebook, but come on! Isn't it enough that I'm in a relationship with her? Now I got to be her friend too?

   If you want to visit a real graveyard this Halloween just log back onto MYSPACE.

   You have 500 friends? No you don't. Ask one of them to randomly drive you to the airport.