Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim Jong II is dead & things aren't looking so hot for his official lookalikes either.

   Whenever I give blood, I always assume that most of the workers are vampires and Wesley Snipes will be busting in at any moment.

   If you live each day, as if it were your last... then one day you will most certainly be right.

   Wait come back, I didn't mean it when I was just being myself.

   I can't tell what's currently doing worse, my love life or my bank account

   Get chased down by 83 angry wasps or replacing your toilet paper with steel wool. You choose your awesome Sunday adventure....

   True STORY Dr. Kellogg introduced Kellogg Corn Flakes in hopes that it would reduce the urge to touch your own happy place. I must be eating them the wrong way.

   she said she was getting close to 40 and I ask from what side?

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty. So have a few beers first and then see how you feel.

   What I do when I'm black out drunk is none of my business.

   When you have a strict German wife and a questionable lifestyle you often have to explain to the guys how you "fell down the stairs" again.

   I tried being myself once... I got arrested.

   I will be a functioning member of society today -calls in sick

   I just realized that you can find more of your friends under the "other tools" category. Apparently, FB doesn't really know my friends because none of them were under this category...

   I wondered why everytime I would visit my grandma at the retirement home they were having a Hawaiian luau until I learned that flowery clothing was the fashion trend of old people.

   If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated

   got to heavens gate and god sent me back.....the good die young, I aint eligible for that

   the more successful you are the more they will envy you, so screw it, be the best of the best it's not like anyone can do anything about it

   Whenever Uncle Eyjafjallajokull would say, "Kids! Pull my finger!" We were smart enough to ignore him. Is there a lesson here Iceland?

   theres more characters on facebook than the chinese language.