Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   revising the whole webster dictionary.

   the moonwalk part of the field sobriety test? If not this dude is totally wasted!

   there a defragment program for your brain?

   I put minute rice in a slow cooker and it took 3 hours

   Yep it is that time of year when some of us hate tax time!!! Thanks too the goverment you will get my money again this year!!!! Hope you will enjoy it

   shhhh..I am having a staring contest with the back of her eyelids and I think I am about to win

   Now I know why they call it the "California roll"!! They just as well take down the stop signs out here!!

   the walls have eyes...

   Don't you hate that when it rains people who has an umbrella keep walking underneath the awnings, and let people who doesn't have one get wet? Ugh! I just want to grab the umbrella and put a hole in it!!

   Told a girl free refills with a magic mouth. I guess she never saw that snickers commercial...

   loves playing with it more and more the longer it gets! (my hair)

   thinking some people are waste of space, and wonder why you even got them as friends on ur fb??!

   man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under hes arm, hes says a pint for me and one for the road,,,

   out like your hairdo!!

   It doesn't really matter how high you can jump, or how fast you can go... it's all about how well you can bounce.

   Use this for•The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

   my steadfast refusal to consume his meat has proven to be a significant impediment to his acquisition of pudding, consequently I have been led to masticate upon this dictionary.

   you spin my head right round, right round..but thats a good thing, it was outta wack from checking out that guy ;)

   if we're not supposed to have laet night snacks, why is there a light in the frigde?

   just went to recycle some bottles and cans at the food store, the return area wasnt open yet, I went into ask them to open it and when I came out a crack head stole my cart and was running down the block with it.