Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently, there's no need for a web-cam on Cyber Monday.

   Tasers, but for people who listen to Christmas music in October. Or talk before noon.

   Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft.

   There’s now a song called Saturday by Rebecca Black. The silly ho is slowly trying to ruin all of the days of the week.

   I was going to buy Christmas gifts from my lottery winnings, I was close I had one number, I guess you'll have to wait till next year!

   Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison

   I'm dreaming of a white christmas.. but not listen to bing crosby and then go out and and walk around singing to strangers white.

   nuke post is just a troll. quit buying in to it

   Not to brad but you'll probably see a special on A&E about me one day.

   I wont be alone on valentines day....I'll be spending it with 127.0.0.1

   Great day to be a canadian woodpecker with blue eyes and a 3inch beak

   Pick your toughest sucker players out.And put them in a ring with our worst nfl team, we'll still beat the S**t out of them

   Common sense says I shouldn't put it in there *puts it in there*

   While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

   "I'm gonna poke everyone's girlfriend and wife just to see who responds.." wait for it...

   At least pizza won't keep you up at night with it's loud snoring

   I get all my dating advice from my Wife's boyfriend. Then I do the opposite.

   "I need dat and dat and dat" - stomach

   It seems as if I come across the most scary spiders while I'm in the bathroom. For that, I am somewhat grateful

   Showing your friend a funny video on YouTube and constantly checking their face to make sure they’re enjoying it…