Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Truly loveing another means letting Go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, eather good or bad

   my wife hates fish especially the smell, so I took it upon myself to fry up 3 lbs of salmon 30 minutes before she comes home...

   I went to the bar last night and I hit on the fattest most ugly chick, and I got rejected. I finally accomplished my goal in life.

   used to work for H&R Block, but it was too taxing.

   Master Chef: I am glad the 3rd guy is bald... it matches his d.ick-head personality.

   saw a man laying in the middle of the boulevard. with paramedics and firefighters 'working' on him. This caused traffic to back up. I looked down at the man; I looked at the mess of traffic , and thought to myself, "I really hate traffic"!

   Being a housewife is hard work! Some nights I only get 10 hours of sleep.

   If you pass after drinking Wild Turkey, just blame it on tryptophan.

   Agrees that "You can If you "turn it on" your monkey ass better "turn it off". If you "drop it" your clumsy ass better "pick it up". If you "broke it" your stupid ass better "fix it". If you "lost it" your forgetful ass better "find it"

   I like the facebook wall. It's urine free...

   the doctor x-rayed my head an found nothng...

   stopped by the cash machine today, printed out my balance statement, and it read "B**CH, YOU JUST GOT PAAAAID!!!" wohooooo! I ♥ YOU PAYDAY

   You and I wake up in jail together. Using only FOUR words, what would you say to me? Leave me a comment.... Then copy and paste this in your status and see what funny things your friends say....(if you make a comment you have to put this in your status)

   I just got an inappropriate text message from Bret Favre.

   Getting Christmas gifts for my kids gets harder as they get older, mostly because I can't remember where I hid them.

   the key to good parenting a small boy is making him realize he doesn't have to shout because you are literally right next to him

   Unless you had yourself cloned, I don't want to hear any of this "New Year, New Me" crap.

   College football is important but a college education is importanter!

   Athletes are nothing more than individuals who repress their h0m0sexuality.

   For years my Wife only has sex with me on my birthday. But now she has Alzheimer's, so I tell her it is my birthday everyday.