Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just booked a flight to the west coast so I can observe the sun setting on Charlie Sheen's ass

   thought he was my knight in shining armor, but it turned out he was just some retard in aluminum foil

   This is how you know you're at a TX auction: you're in a barn, there's no air-conditioning and there's free booze.

   me: how much is that shirt? vendor: for you sir? me: no, no, for you, remembrance from me.

   I was wondering why some wizards in Harry Potter are so much more powerful than others. Then it dawned on me. Midichlorian count.

   Where's Waldo? (Er....Gadhafi..)

   You know you're losin' it when you're so used to the DVR controls on the TV, that you keep reaching for the radio in my car to rewind something you've just heard! LOL I'm definitely losin' it!

   I feel a tele-thon coming on. Ben Affleck get your guys ready..

   "My girlfriend just broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair... It's ok though, She always comes crawling back."

   Lets treat guns like printers, expensive ink and bullets! that way if you really shoot someone,....oh you really meant to kill them with this $3000 silver bullet!

   People who cry like a baby over repeated jokes. Life is short - stop sulking.

   Please put this on your status if you know someone, are related to, and/or adore someone who has ADD or ADHD. 93% of peo oh snap is that a dog outside?

   some people take so much s hit from me and are still in love with me. it's great!

   All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of Lay's potato chips.

   Women will stop crying if you start licking the tears off their cheeks and tell them how delicious their life force is. I think.

   Before starting any new chapter to study...i always count da number of pages!!

   OK I Just Don't Get The Firefly Song ...You would not believe your eyes-If ten million fireflies-Lit up the world as I fell asleep-'Cause they'd fill the open air-And leave teardrops everywhere-You'd think me rude-But I would just stand and stare

   you're oddly sophisticated in a paradoxal mannor leaving me in this difficult conundrum. it puzzles me beyond recovery. I spend weeks crying because I cannot liberate myself from this bewildered state. I even began to think that my dog was a large gerbil.

   eat, drink and make merry coz tomorrow we may diet.

   Wats procrastination?. .well I will tell you tomorrow..