Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I said "at least it's healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.

   I haven't crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don't care what I think.

   Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That's about as organic you're gonna get out of me.

   This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I'll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.

   Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

   Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm a ball of fun when I black out.

   Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

   Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.

   Seriously! It should be a lot harder to find people for the show 16 and Pregnant. . . Teens, maybe you should find a different hobby?

   DEFENITION: Jagermeister - Irreversable decisions in a bottle.

   The good thing about multiple personalities is that if you collect enough of them you're prepared for any situation

   I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.

   I just got my wifes Christmas gift. I hid it in the oven. She will never find it there!

   I typed my ex's address into my gps and instead of directions the voice said "I don't think you really want to go there"

   I heard a fantastic idea today. Instead of the strip-screener machines at the airport, we need a reinforced isolation chamber, once in, any explosives on the body are somehow detonated. Everyone is happy.

   it's not possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement!

   I need a way to change my relationship status to "Out of Order" or "Temporarily Out of Service."

   If you took a Facebook IQ Test and it determined you're a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

   Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.

   Twilight showed me it's okay to date underage girls if you're a 107-year-old vampire