Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It pains me when I look on one side of the world and see people with nothing to eat and starving to death and on the other side I see selfish people eating more than their bodies require and die from obesity-related complications.

   Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a sub, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm,,, plus I am inside a lion.

   remember people...st patricks day means to wear green clothing....not to drink till you turn green in the face. dont go out drinking too much tonight

   To all the Hit Moms out there, Happy M.I.L.F. Day ;)

   "50 Shades of Ray" – A sexy tale of Ray Charles' battle with glaucoma and slow transition into blindness.

   Dyslexic man walks into a bra *Ba-Dum-Bum Tsss*

   how come every time I change my password it still shows up as the same 8 stars in a row ******** ?

   a bad relationship is like a broken mirror betta 2 throw it away instead of hurtin urself tryin 2 fix da pieces.

   breaking news! Suicidal twin kills sister by accident!

   In Texas, the words Texas & Taxes sound alike. This makes today confusing for them, I bet. I'm not concered, I already did my Texas.

   broke someone's heart and now he's paying for that!!! [So Sorry!]

   wondering if everyone has an unique Fart Scent.

   Hamsters are really stupid, but, I'm the girl spending money to keep one housed and fed, so, there you go.

   starting to think Brett Favre switched places with mother nature, the weather seems very indecisive lately........

   God take the wheel, your son is busy carrying someone down the beach.

   if you get enough maylasian airline frequent flyer miles you can trade them in for a tombstone

   That channel is all Hawt blonds and old dudes. Every show from Fox news looks like a party scene from Weekend at Bernies

   Sometimes I smoke weed just because I think it's what Jesus would've wanted.

   God: You finish all 11 commandments? Moses: About the 11th one... God: What? Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself? God: Fine, 10.

   The NFL has decided that the Washington Redskins do not have to travel to Dallas next weekend to play the Cowboys due to the fact that we already won the NFC east.