Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life was much simpler when Apple's and Blackberry's were just fruits.

   I fought the law and....the lawyers won.

   maybe you should wait until the food cools before stuffing it in your mouth like you've never eaten b4 causing you to spit it back out and still be hungry....see how that goes

   Global warming is like Goldilocks and the weather is like porridge.

   likes to sit in the pharmacy on my phone talking about how I have a contagious rash on 90% of my body and the Dr. can't find a medicine that works!

   BREAKING NEWS: After realizing just how invasive the TSA screeners have become, the White House has ordered that they will no longer be managed by Homeland Security. Instead, they've been given to the IRS.

   praying I don't get gravy on my nice clothes.

   She's doing shots in her underwear , a fur hat an mittens!!! I'm never coming home!!!

   Dear Santa, when your done writing the naughty list, can I get my lil black book back? Cheers Guv

   is "childish. No he's not, yes he is, no he's not, yes he is."

   ___________is so far in the closet he is finding skeletons in Narnia.

   There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

   Just stuck Luke Skywalker in a dead Ton Ton.

   I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

   trying to find the All-Spark before Megatron uses it to transform all of Earth's machines and destroy the planet to harvest the Energon source. Wish me and Sam luck...

   Oops! Something went wrong. We don't give two sh!ts if you waste the next hour trying to understand why you can't post anything You may be able to try again, whatever!

   now that she's gone, Hands back into my pants!

   thinking if they didnt Screw the fifth flame, the Olympic would be more interesting :D

   wondering why if you can flash back to the past, why can't you flash foward to pay day?

   changed the title of today from: Bill Paying Day to Check Writing Day. Yes, I am writing checks...but the bills are not necessarily gonna get paid. We'll see who posts them at the bank faster! Moooowahahahahaha