Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eyebrows so big and arched, you think you're seeing double in St Louis

   You win man.....your b!tch is bad....and so is her credit.

   Here is the line _____ do me a favor and don't cross it.

   YOU JUST PROVED IT! ADVERTISING DOES WORK! THIS SPACE FOR RENT AT AFFORDABLE PRICES!

   Just completed a 7km run... These darn coppers don't give up that easily any more..

   if you act like a douche i'm gonna call you "eve"

   Friendship between a fat person and a skinny person must always be viewed with the suspicion it deserves.

   just made love to Luisa Gronqvist in the middle of the street.

   Jimmy cracked cocaine, and suddenly everyone cared.

   Without Adele...this would be the worst Grammy's ever lol kinda like the Super Bowl Commercials this year without Clint Eastwood!!

   Putting sandbags around my toilet in preparation for tomorrow.

   What are the three most important items on a wood stove?? ........"Lifter, Legs and Poker"

   Just got some Justin Bieber underwear ..the front says you cry and the back says I cry..!!

   you can buy shoes, cloths, etc.. but you can't put a price tag on respect

   Would LOVEE a donut right now, and I'm not a cop.......?

   Traded my Mercedes for a Horse due to gas prices. The damn horse eats $18 worth of hay and hops per meal, not to mention the poop all over my garage!!!!!!!

   I someitmes wonder what magical things would've been created had we all put our creativity towards something other than making the internet laugh

   Had I known how difficult it was to get old people's smell out of a mattress, I never would've gone cougar hunting at the retirement home.

   If you think 4G is fast....try pissing her off :)

   At 24 Hour Fitness. Trying to get them to stay open an extra hour so I can really take things to the next level.