Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently, Russia has the best hookers. I know where i'm going on vacation now.

   Brace yourself for pumpkin his and pumpkin that bull$hit

   Before I was born, I was given a choice between a big di*k, or a good memory. I don't remember what one I chose.

   1f y0u c4n r34d 7H15 7h3n c0n6r47ul4710n5! Y0u h4v3 D3pr35510n

   I love the poorly educated. Laughter would be scarce without them.

   The 400 lb man, who demanded flight attendants to wipe his butt has died. Good riddance.

   I started my new Kris Kristofferson diet this morning. A beer for breakfast and another one for desert .

   We don't appreciate all these redneck, inbreeding stereotypes. Ain't that right, Uncle Dad?

   Trump: I was surprised to see they have a picture of me at the art gallery. Pence: Sir, that was a mirrow.

   Made up Word of the Day: Dysfucktional.

   “I make it rain on them hoes.” - Clouds

   Two more victims have come forward in the BBC abuse scandal. They claim they were regularly fisted by elderly men on a weekly basis and then locked away after this abuse until the next week. Both Sooty and Sweep claim they where so traumatized it left the

   Single women, you know that dress you're thinking of wearing tonight? The really tight, short one? Throw it out.

   Just listened to a One Direction song and now I'm a 16 year old girl called "Amy"

   hi ho hi ho it's off to school I go! I don't learn much because the teacher is nuts ...hi ho hi ho

   it just me, or does Dub step sound like transformers having sex?

   If schools were supposed to prepare us for the adult world, we should've had a subject called "How to get away with murder".

   if we get to my place and she's wearing a push up bra and spanx, I'm putting her s hit on the street...

   I go to the all you can eat breakfast bar for $5.00. I go, "What'll 10.00 get me?" They asked me to leave. That's bull$hit right there.

   did you hear the leading cause of gunshot wounds are bullets?