Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't know Peyton and Phillp Seymour Thomas were that close...

   That moment when you realize you will probably never be half the man your mother is...

   this is just not the place anymore, I'm gonna go pop some pop corn and go watch the movies on facebook!

   Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll? A: All Ken's stuff. -I. M. F.

   Melania, Millenium, Malva.....I bet no one knows the name of Donald Trump's latest wife either.

   Because of the size of my d*ck women find it difficult to walk after I have sex with them. I react very violently to laughter.

   I got the following numbers. 1) FU. 5) FU.12) FU. 33) FU.

   A sandwich should be grilled until inside is warm & bread starts to crisp. Not until inside is nuclear & bread becomes a turtle shell.

   Can you beleive that some cultures still communicate with a series of clicks and primitive heirglyphs? *clicks furiously at keyboard* *adds 17 emojis*

   so much for MONKEEing around ,R.I.P. Davey Jones. Cheer up Sleepy Jean. He took the last train to Clarksville ......and now I'm a bereaver

   Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity.

   Penn State lost last week. They must of played Karma.

   You know what's more disturbing than the tears of a clown? That would be the semen of a clown.

   Cleft chins are just face camel toes.

   ordered new smart phone tonight. my old phone has been with me for about 6 years. it was a good phone but its time to put him out to pasture...i will miss you lg env. you were my best phone ever... Goodbye Lttle Buddy!!.

   This day thirty years ago, I gave the old excuse "My underwear are!".

   Grades don't measure intelligence, and age doesn't define maturity.

   I'd sure like to "Up" a "Ton'' of something in Kate Upton.

   im gonna get a tattoo to make my pen!s look like a broom...my gf SUCKS at cleaning

   To the person who put those three stupid messages using my ID... Your m0m's 0rg@sm face looks scary...