Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do yot get when you slip in water?............ A waterfall.

   So a team part of a red state wins the World Series? Interesting.

   When we first ment on a blind date my girlfriend wasn't that interested in me. Untill she saw me lick my eyebrows.

   My Alexis doesn't always answer me when I ask you a question, and now I know why it talks like a woman.

   So what do you get when you spell strap-on backwards?

   Marriage tip #4: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   We are all grown men and women! Let us start acting like it, and stop believing in pathetic conspiracy theories!!!

   After that beating and broken jaw, Colby's probably like, "He thill yo prethident."

   Some things in life are bad they can really make you mad! Other things just make you swear and curse When you're chewing on life's gristle Don't grumble, give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best and always look on the bright side life!

   I was in queue at the supermarket when a lady in front farted I got upset but before I say something, she turned around and said, 'if you heard that, then you are not keeping your distance,If you smelled it, then your face mask isn't helping you at all

   I've got no status update right now. But thanks for taking the time out to read this status update about not having a status update!

   "Alloweth me, I shan't be damned To probe around your lovely clam." - Spongebob Shakespeare

   I wonder if girls at the University of Alabama call their periods the "Crimson Tide"

   I shared the status of the power ball winner. I won!!!!! Nothing....

   Let me stop you right there. You just made me think of a status.

   If you see a grown man swinging in a playground by himself you know you're about to die.

   Scream "I am worthy" until the stars collapse upon your brilliance.

   "As you get closer to the primary's reality has a way of intruding!" President Obama.

   Never purchase the trial size version of Colgate toothpaste and leave it on the bathroom counter next to your CVS Hemorroidal Cooling Gel. You may feel refreshed down below, but your breath smells like sh*t.

   I bet Jesus hates it that his birthday and Christmas are on the same day.