Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That odd moment when you sober up and realized you poked your sister on facebook last night.

   how many people telling dominican jokes does it takes to change a bulb?

   Maury told me "You are Not the father"... That just made my day!

   to do list- 1) shoot video confession. 2) sign over house and children to the bank. 3) make fritters for Parole Officer.

   Went a week without taking a selfie. Where's my Medal of Honor, Obama?

   Today a homeless man stuck a hand out at me and said 'spare change'His hand was empty, I think the pr!ck was teasing me, so I took his dog

   My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard and they’re like, hey who is your hot friend.

   Some of you are funny,some poetic,some angry,some horny,some drunk,some in love,some lonely,some crazy,some too-good-to-be-true. I <3 you all.

   ʎןıɯɐɟ & spuǝıɹɟ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ʎɯ ¡¡¡ɐıןɐɹʇsnɐ ɯoɹɟ sbuıʇǝǝɹb

   If Godzilla ever goes on a rampage in Florida, I would move to Lego Lan. Because nobody likes stepping on a Lego #GodzillaKryptonite

   Possible post if Facebook was around in 1968) Busy day today. Me and my cousin rode are bikes all over town. Later we went fishing and after that played some basketball , don't text us we don't have a cell phone............

   Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call

   Sometimes I hump my wife to Bon Jovi

   I got to work late this morning, so I guess I'll have to leave early to make up for it.

   Of course I said NO but I totally meant YES, idiot. ~Women

   X says Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not damn a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.

   I guess Paul Ryan won't be cheering for my Relay for Life team...

   pro tip: go to men's warehouse. try on a suit. take a selfie. say the suit isnt what you want & give it back. you just got a free picture of you looking good in a nice suit.

   Bar B Que Bacon Cheese Burger... The best part of my day.

   Have you ever turned the radio station and the same song was on..happened to me