Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hey guys, its a beautiful day out, lets go talk on the motel balconey." MLK

   "wonders, ""Is there a mirror in your pants, cause I see myself in them."" "

   I don't feel sorry for fat people. No one woke up one day fat. It takes a lot of being lazy and plenty of nothing to do.

   Men are the best cooks. Because with two eggs, one sausage and a little bit of milk, he can fill a girl's tummy for nine months.

   lovin' it

   Now we finally know what Obama was hiding on his birth certificate. Under favorite band, it says: "Nickleback."

   Soccer: 90 minutes of no strategy, no intrigue, and no scoring.

   Drinks only on days that start with "T".. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Tonday, Tunday, Tednesday and Taturday.

   This is the greatest prank Ellen Degeneres has ever played on Matt Lauer

   If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough… The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

   Ever get a friend request and you're like "Nah, you look like you steal copper."?

   Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

   Trump spent ten minutes complaining about Pearl Harbour until an aide pulled him aside to explain that China and Japan were two different countries.

   Self-Checkout should include an employee discount.

   just two away from a threesome last night...

   The confetti in times square, I bet that came from Edward Cullen farting.

   It's been 120 days and guess who is still sober ? Ted Kennedy

   ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!

   thinks we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with

   wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT