Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It's like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn't say why.

   I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap.

   It used to be only captured criminals covered their faces with their jackets... Now it's people telling pollsters how they're going to vote.

   The man in the toilet stall next to me sounds like he’s pushing a car up a hill and not making any headway.

   I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."

   .... Isn't it curious that Hillary's health narrative went from "Stop the Conspiracy Theories" to "Hillary is perfectly healthy, stop being sexist" to "FDR had Polio and was a good President" in less than 12 hours?

   I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”

   To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don't care about being healthy and smelling clean."

   Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

   This is why the government won’t tell us if aliens are real. You fockers will panic and buy all the tin foil.

   Do people just get up and think about what they can be offended by today?

   Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".

   I wonder if he will put Hillary in jail now?

   Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   What does "prices too low to advertise" mean? Are they afraid if they advertise the price that too many people will want to buy it?

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...

   Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.