Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Biden will never get my guns because I keep them upstairs.

   Two days ago Lance Armstrong had 7 more Tour De Frances than me. This has been quite a comeback from me.

   Women need to stop acting like their body isn't a man's property.

   In the same way I don't wanna know if my neighbor likes being a Chinese finger cuff , I don't wanna know if you are Gay. I don't really want to know anyone's sexual preferences. Who CARES if you are straight Gay or Bi? Keep it to yourself and your partn

   Drinking at a bar last night so I took a bus home. That might not seem like a big deal to you, but i've never driven a bus before!

   Balloons are weird... "Happy Birthday! Here is a plastic sack of my breath."

   I dropped my laptop off a boat the other day. It's a Dell, rolling in the deep.

   1.4 million convicted felons in prisons will be getting the $1,400 check, probably even dead people... True story

   the new Judical System … GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY … and this is a country that is always trying to rule another !!

   thinking...almost 70 years ago the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor. Come this Sunday the US Women's soccer team is going to torpedo Japan!

   Dear Kobe Bryant, Would you like some cheese with that whine....sincerely Steve Nash

   I ate jalapeno's yesterday on my nacho's and I now know the what the "burning ring of fire" was all about....

   I don't like it when people put an X in X-mas..from now on I'm gonna abbreviate it Christ-X

   Please accept that there are inherent differences b/w M & W. Otherwise we would just be called MEN! OR JUST WOMEN. You are better at somethings & we r better at other things. Accept nature & let it be

   I slipped on black ice today, it's like regular ice but it steals your wallet afterwards

   The best wife to have is somebody else's.

   I wanna know heather 25's full name so I can find her on facebook. She is pretty damn funny

   Whats that Mr. Churchill; you say the germans are picking on your nation again, and you want need some help.

   Rush Limbaugh is the new spokesman for preparation "H". There is no follow up needed.

   I don't believe I had ADHD because I, Dude! Did you see that? Do you like apples? Wow! Candy corn! 45+78= What officer? What was I saying?