Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "My eyes are up here." - *gift horses

   "You can't fight terro0rism with sanctions." You fight illiterate-ignora-nt-reci-.sists, "by going in there and killing them. Every. Last. One of them."

   the government is like my computer....there might just be a problem when it shuts down

   On a scale of 1 to 69, how bad do you want me?

   Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots?

   If I have a son and he ends up having a bigger pen*s then me, does that mean he inherited his pen*s from his mom?

   I like my coffee how I like myself. Dark, bitter, and too hot for you.

   2,4,6,8 Wichita is not a state!

   If I'm ever in the hospital on Life Support, don't just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.

   Horseradish sauce is my favorite condiment named after mustang spooge.

   Stop slapping my ass, said no woman ever.

   Once had an awkward moment just to see how it felt

   This fish smells familiar. I just can't put my finger on it.

   I just read a Facebook status update that was so confusing, I had no idea what they meant. Then I realized it was mine.

   Gangsta rap made me do it

   still has Circus Peanuts left over from Halloween 1956. Yum!

   has a message to all Gingers. Let Raoul Moat be a lesson. We will find you and make it look like suicide!

   had to fill out a doctor paper once it said "sex M/F" I didnt know what M or F was so I put"no thanx"

   the next time someone says nothing is impossible tell them to try and unboil a hard boiled egg

   Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered