Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I might have lost the relationship, but I regained myself.

   My graduation speech will be, "I'd like to thank google, google & uh.. google..."

   when someone posts something like, "In a bad mood. Don't ask!". They actually want you to ask and are looking for attention.

   The biggest lie on Facebook: 'status offline'

   The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.

   "I'm open-minded" usually translates into, "My fetish is pretty intense, how weird can yours be?"

   The world judges me by the decisions I make… but it never see the options I had to choose from

   Hypochondriacs with OCD make the best house keepers.

   How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams!

   10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'

   A concussion? A broken hand? There has to be a PETA member somewhere with a Mike Vick voodoo doll

   Bus drivers inwardly laugh at you when they drop you off in the rain.

   My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea

   Charlie Sheen interview tonight on 20/20...I'm going to get drunk and watch it, it'll make more sense that way.

   “Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - farmer to a barren tree

   You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

   Lindsay Lohan was recently diagnosed with a rare mosquito-transmitted disease called Chikungunya. And the mosquito was diagnosed with alcohol poisoning...

   Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.

   I don't understand why guys are always wanting their girl to make them a sandwich after sex.... I'd just be happy if they gave me my money back.

   If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.