Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An orgy with more than 4 midgets is a snack pack.

   Scott Pruitt has quit as head of the EPA to pursue his true passion - buying lotions and used mattresses from various hotels.

   Me, looking at the calendar: It's August already?? WTF!

   If you could do a do over, would you?

   Lou Dobbs, where is Whakhulaaaah Mexico?

   I have a friend who can tap dance backwards. His name is Pat

   Last night I dreamed that I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exhausted.

   I finally finished reading “Great Expectations “ . It wasn’t all I hoped for.

   I have decided who I'm going to vote which is, none of facebook's damn business.

   I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window. I told him, "You did a good job, but it's actually supposed to go in like this." I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window. There i

   Whife ask what's the thing about a bj. I said the five minutes of silence.

   I tell kids in high school if you wanna feel what its like to be drunk. Just spin around in circles as fast as you can for 15 seconds and try to walk a straight line after.

   A man who is not married tends to go through life enjoying his life.

   I could replace my teenage daughter with a honey badger and nobody would notice the difference.

   Just a muggle girl living in a muggle world...

   Sources say Gretchen Carlson wasn't the first Roger Ailes victim. Let's not forget anyone ever forced to watch Fox News.

   Before you are kind to strangers you must be just.

   "Winter is Coming" -Melania Trump

   May I have your attention please. May I have your attention. Will all Bernie supporters form a SINGLE FILE line and follow Chet Lemming to the safe place room. Please move QUIETLY

   Me: I can't believe Sarah Jessica Parker is going for Olympic gold at her age... Wife: Ummmm,,, You're watching Equestrian dressage.