Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Red Plastic Cup.... Making you feel like 15 to 24 years old again!

   awake and alive __ and the coffee is at its Sunday best; I love these moments :)

   Lady GaGa looked like Ralph Machio from Karate Kid on the VMA's tonight

   So i'm heading down to the ballgame with my 2 buddies, and some guy says to me: "are they going too". I replied: "No, there just coming to sit in the car while I watch the game"... Why do people stupidly state the obvious?

   I run with scissors. It makes me feel dangerous.

   Unfortunately, its hard to get real, useful advice nowadays. But on the other hand, you have different fingers...

   How can you keep earth clean when it's made of dirt and water?

   Dear Boomtown Rats, It's true I can't tell you why YOU don't like Mondays, but here's a list of reasons why I don't....a) they start too early, b) they finish too late, c) they last ALL day, d) they just keep coming back EVERY FRICKIN WEEK. That is all.

   Lady Gaga... "Being asked to be godmother of Elton Johns son brought a lump to my throat." No Gaga that's called an adams apple, mate.

   it's never to early in life to do anything...except get out of bed!

   Just deleted all attractive people from his facebook friends list. Woah that feels better.

   While I'm Gone....Just smile it's the 2nd Best thing you can do with your Lips....

   If you send me a "send this back" text, I will send it back to you 100 times.

   When I poke, I poke 2 fingers at a time, and I'm coming for your eyes!

   Its one of those days when even fortune cookies are against me.

   My credit score looks like the speed limit!

   My wife is the most irrational person I've ever met. Well, technically, she's tied for first with every other woman I've met...

   My landlord is a very evil man, I'm going to call Kim Jong and tell him all about "My Uncle"

   Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…

   Starting a Book Club. First rule of Book Club: read Fight Club.