Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New Years Resolution eat & Drink Healthy..................Weed & Vodka = Greens &Potatoes

   2012 is looking better. I had a twosome..... Woohoo!

   CNN was showing a woman counting ballots. I haven't seen coverage like this, since Sesame Street.

   Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.

   My head says, “Go to the gym.” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”!

   shocked to learn his son has been telling lies at school.....I've got no kids!

   Random disturbing Thought for the Day~Where do cops in nudist colonies pin their badges?? Or...hide their weapons for that matter........

   This new season of 24 sucks...Jack Bauer hasn't had to kill anyone yet

   anyone gonna tell Americas Funniest Videos that theres youtube?

   If you're having trouble with using the correct your/you're, just use “ur” because ur a moron

   Blackberry's r like girls, they only work when you touch d right button! iPhones are like men,...1 Touch anywhere & they respond...!! :) :D

   People are like books. You can't judge them by appearance alone and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.

   That uneasy moment when Edward Cullen and Santa Clause run into each other because they're both watching you sleep.

   Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.

   Personally, I'd like to see Gillette come out with an eight-ply roll of toilette paper.

   2011: bros before hoes 1800: brethren foregoing lasses.

   I don't have much of a moral compass, but sometimes I still use a character map.

   Having blue teeth would be cooler than wearing a Bluetooth.

   Call one of those sexy girl hotline and they charge by the minute. Just my luck I got a sexy girl who stutters

   RIP Kim Jong-il. I loved you on Community and those Hangover movies.